Benlunar - Episode 18
Lilian gets her first lesson in “magic”.
The Roads of Alicium run through it like veins
From small paths down mountains to city built lanes
They’ll guide you home or take you away
Or make you visit village that begs you to stay
Up through the pass, down through the grass
Stick to your map, veer not from the path
Or perhaps take an unfamiliar bend
After all, the aim of the song is the tune not the end
“I thought you hated the word magic?” Said Lilian, trying desperately to keep her excitement out of her voice. She had found that insisting on learning things or getting excited about anything around Mr Attorcop tended to make him shy away from it and go back to the basics.
“I do.” He replied, flicking a fish scale he had just picked from his teeth into the water, “And I thought you were going to come up with a better name for it?” Lilian felt herself go red.
“Well it’s hard to name something if you don’t know what it is…” She mumbled. Mr Attorcop smiled. “An excellent point. You know the travelling Laguina people say that names have power, to know something’s true name is to have control over it.” Lilian considered this, she enjoyed learning about the beliefs and cultures of the world, and the fact that names have power made a certain amount of sense.
“So by all means,” Mr Attorcop continued, “Take your time to name the art.” The three travellers were sitting by a small lake. The sun was setting behind the hills on the other side and what clouds were in the sky were turning pink in the evening light. It was warm and Lilian’s hands were dusty after maneuvering the rocks on the small beach into a circle large enough for their fire. The fire itself just like the setting sun, had burned down to an orange glow and the smell of cooking fish still clung to the smoke that came off it. Fritha the feinhound was standing ankle deep in the lake, fascinated by the fishes that moved about the shallows. Occasionally the silence of the scene was broken by her head splashing into the water, to emerge with a wriggling fish in her jaws and a smug smile on her face. Each time she would rush to Lilian to show her the fish, to which Lilian gave her much praise whilst also avoiding the inevitable shower of lake water when Fritha shook herself dry. Lilian didn’t mind this too much. She was too excited about what Mr Attorcop had just said. Time I taught you some magic, he’d said. Which meant tonight’s training would be different. Most days on the road had been completely devoid of anything that could be called magic. Each morning they awoke and practised focusing. Then they would eat something and Lilian would play with Fritha. Then they would walk. They left the forest and found the fields. Long sweeping hills made of grass and earth, marked only by the dust road on which they travelled. They talked while they walked and Lilian learned many things. She learned history and philosophy as well as how to win an argument even if you knew less than your opponent. She learned how to behave at court in Freedos and how to address different members of the nobility. She learnt about economics and maths. She learned about what plants you could eat and the names of different types of cloud. She even learned that had they taken the main road they would have reached Freedos days ago, but seeing at how few people they met on their journey Lilian understood why they hadn’t taken it. Lilian was learning many things. But magic was not one of them. Until now. As the sun set the pair prepared themselves for their evenings practise. Since her time in Hundsberg, Lilian had managed to slip into her state of hyper attention several times. At first, she could only do so at night, and it wasn’t always guaranteed. But a few times in the past week she had been able to find it in the morning as well and for the past three days she had reliably found it both at night and during the day. This seemed to satisfy Mr Attorcop enough to convince him of moving on to the next stage of training.
Lilian finished her fish as the sun finally set behind the hills and the first few stars were coming out from hiding. She found a comfortable position on a large rock and sat with her back straight and her legs crossed. Fritha seemed to recognise the routine and stepped out of the water and found a spot near the fire to lie down. Each practise began in a similar way with Mr Attorcop instructing her to close her eyes.
“And take a deep breath…
“Keep breathing in this way and pay attention to your body as it moves. If you find any part of you is tense simply acknowledge it and relax. We are in no rush. We have no agenda. Keep breathing and allow your mind to focus on the sound of it.” In the past, Mr Attorcop would have continued, encouraging Lilian to focus on the sound of his voice, and then the sound of the water or the wind in the trees. But after all this time Lilian needed little encouragement. She found her senses slipping into another place. A dark world illuminated by sound and smell. The cooked fish hit her hardest, she smelt it on her clothes as well as the coals of the fire where their dinner had dripped while cooking. She heard soft searing sounds as the last of the oil was being heated on the burned wood. She followed the feeling and allowed her attention to grow beyond their campsite. She heard Fritha’s breathing, slow and methodical. She even heard her heart beat, a pleasant counter rhythm to the slow breath. By now Lilian had taught herself to treat the sounds like lights in the darkness. She found that she could relax and see many lights all around her, or she could block out most of them and focus on only one or two. She enjoyed the sounds under the water. They were both muffled and clear at once. Sound travelled through water more quickly than through air, so when she moved her attention to the lake Lilian could see the million little lights of heartbeats and tail swishes from the minnows and bigger fishes. Her ears found frogs far away as well as mice in the rocks nearby. Sometimes she found a sound that she could not identify. These were the ones that fascinated her most. She would explore them and move around them until their mysteries were revealed. She was doing just this to a sound that turned out to be a snapping terapin, scrambling over bedrock in the middle of the lake (she could tell from the occasional bump that its shell made when it hit a stone) when Mr Attorcop spoke again. In this state, his whisper sounded like a town crier in an empty square.
“Listen very closely Lilian. You’ve become an excellent observer of the world but now you are going to shift your focus to your place within it. Bring your attention back to the beach, back to your breathing and your body but stay in this attentive state of mind.” Lilian did as she was told. She traced the rocks and rhythms in the water back to the stoney beach, she saw three bright lights there, one was Mr Attorcop, shining steadily and bright. The other was Fritha, flickering and wild. The last was herself. It felt strange to turn the focus around like this and observe her own body from a distance. It was like shouting near a large wall and waiting for the echo to come back, only the echo was clearer and sharper than the original voice that made it. She focused on the breeze moving her red hair, listening as the air whistled through its matted clumps. She found her heart beat which was slow and reliable. The light it made in this state of focus was a low golden glow. Lilian found it beautiful and wanted to stay there and watch it for hours, pulsating gilded waves through her blood and across her skin. It even shifted the fibres in her clothes before eventually disolving into the air around her. Lilian heard, smelled and felt all of this. A chorus of colours presided over by her deep breathing, a calming low sound like wind in a cave.
“Do you see yourself clearer now?” She heard Mr Attorcop say. Lilian made her head nod. It was strange giving orders to her body like this, usually she wouldn’t even think of how to do it, but from all this way away it felt like getting a puppet to nod. Both distant and familiar at once.
“Good.” He continued, “Now you might notice that your own body seems different in this state yes?” Another clunky puppet nod. “I want you to try and get some of that feeling to spread into the stones and dust around you. If you see colour then try and make the stones you’re sitting on take on that colour. Or if you feel vibration or music or you taste something strange, try and have the surrounding area become that thing too.” Lilian could hear the words but it took some time for her to work out their meaning. Was he referring to the strange golden light than was coming from her heart? That was certainly different to the grey little echo lights that the fish and rocks around her were making. But it felt so special, so uniquely hers that thinking of anything else in that way seemed uncomfortable. Like when you know someone else has slept in your bed. Besides, Lilian found herself thinking, these rocks are dull and dusty, how could they ever become so golden bright? Impossible. But still she tried. She tried seeing if she could imagine the rocks to be a similar colour, but her imagination was foggy here. Her mind was so focused on the present moment that taking it away even just to imagine something made the lights flicker or dim. Instead, Lilian tried to see if she could feel the echoes of her pulse spread out into the stones and sand around her. She focused on this for quite some time before giving up. She found a reliable wave spreading from her body, but it dimmed and faded within moments of entering the ground. Next, she tried lending the rocks her glow, and this seemed to work at first. There was one particularly smooth rock near her right knee that took on some of the golden shine but she found that she could not be apart from it for long and her body snatched it back jealously. Lilian began to feel frustrated.
“Are you having any success?” Lilian shook her head, feeling closer and closer to herself as anger crept into her efforts. Mr Attorcop asking whether or not she was succeeding did not help. Lilian did not enjoy failing and so she tried to force the glow out of her. She pushed against the walls of her skin and mind and instantly felt her head begin to ache. Some light had managed to eek out, but keeping that up for more than just a few seconds would be impossible. As if sensing her difficulty, Mr Attorcop spoke up.
“Do not worry if you are having trouble. It may take several attempts. If you wish to stop trying for tonight you may do so. If not, simply try different techniques and follow one that seems to be working. Remember, you’re trying to fill your surroundings with yourself.” Lilian almost huffed at the ridiculousness of that impossible statement. It was one of those vague and annoying phrases that Mr Attorcop came up with every now and again. She felt her focus slipping as her frustration grew and she reminded herself to breathe slowly and deeply and push any thoughts or feelings of anger out of her, as in this moment they were as useful as a hammer with a hole in it.
Breathe. Focus.
Lilian tried several other techniques, but nothing seemed to be working. She was ready to admit defeat and try another day, when the moon came out from behind a cloud. Lilian didn’t know how she knew it, but something told her that the sky was now dark and clear enough for the light of the moon to shine down on the stony beach. It was not a full moon, probably not even half a moon but still Lilian could feel it's comforting presence like a friend smiling in a crowd. It gave her confidence to continue, and strength to try at least two or three more different techniques before calling it a night. A thought suddenly occurred to her. It was one that had crossed her mind when she started the exercise but it seemed a little too foolish to even attempt. It would take far too long and she would end up being awake all night before she could make even a little stone glow. But the moon was here now, she thought, the moon was watching and Lilian could feel its curved shape in the sky, like cradling arms. She breathed in deeply and began. It didn’t take her long to find a solitary piece of sand. There was one resting on the ring finger of her left hand. Lilian had felt it move along with her pulse like a tiny drop of oil dancing on a hot pan. She chose it and focused all of her attention on this small grain, barely large enough to be called sand, dust or grit might have been a better word. But under the watchful gaze of the moon she chose it and slowly tried to fill it with the golden light in her body. It was so small, that it could easily take a share without her heart minding. It took almost a minute but Lilian finally managed to fill it with the golden glow that shone inside her. She smiled faintly, it had been so small and ugly and while it was still very small, it was definitely not ugly. It looked like a coin in deep water. Like a torch on a dark hillside. It shone brightly against the black backdrop of silence. Lilian felt her mouth curve into the slightest of smiles.
“How are you getting on?” She heard Mr Attorcop speaking clearly but from far away.
“One grain of sand.” Lilian heard herself say. It sounded ridiculous but Lilian didn’t care, luckily, Mr Attorcop didn’t seem to care either.
“Good.” He whispered. “Now try to have that grain of sand convince the others.” In any other context this would have been a strange sentence, but to Lilian, in this moment, it made sense. Why would the other grains around her not want to shine as brightly as this one? And so Lilian watched herself slowly set it down on the ground in front her. It kept its golden glow and even managed to illuminate some of the smaller stones and grains around it, but it had not suddenly flooded them with light as Lilian had hoped. As she had feared, she would have to focus intently grain by grain, stone by stone and a rock nearby the size of her fist suddenly seemed like a mountain. Tiredness began to get the better of her. The weight of the day’s travelling was catching up and combined with the late hour it made Lilian want to just give up and go to sleep. She felt herself begin to yawn but she caught it in time and strengthened her resolve. I can do more. She thought. I’m not tired yet and the moon has come to help. I won’t disappoint it.
And so, ignoring all signs of fatigue Lilian doubled her focus on the golden grain. She tried to convince herself that the light it shone on the grains beside it was actually those grains being filled with the light itself. This tactic seemed to work for a while as Lilian was able to see the light spreading to other small flecks of dust and dirt that had previously been untouched by the glow. She continued in this way for about 5 minutes. The first two or three grains had taken a minute each but after practising on them she found that the next few took only 30 or 40 seconds to fill. This gave her confidence and after what seemed like an age but was probably only a quarter of an hour, she was sitting on a patch of ground the size of a large plate that was brimming with vibrant colour. Lilian assumed that she would just spread a golden glow, like the one inside her, but the stones and sands seemed to take on a vibrancy of their own when being focused on. At first it looked like gold, but from a distance the stones were more of a silver grey and the dust a beautiful shimmering copper.
“I think that’s enough for one night Lilian.” Mr Attorcop spoke up. Lilian heard him, but she did not want to stop. She had the energy to continue and she was just getting the hang of it.
“I can keep going.” She heard herself say.
“I’m sure you can,” Mr Attorcop replied, “But you can do that tomorrow night.” Knowing that the experience had to end Lilian made one final effort. Like when a child is told to leave the park so they rush through the last game hoping to cheat the warning parent even if it means getting in trouble. The winning or losing is of no importance, the child just wants to play no matter how clumsy the game becomes. And so Lilian became clumsy. She shoved her focus around, stumbling it into a nearby rock and shoving it through a little valley of pebbles. There was no more gentle coaxing and tempting, only inarticulate persuasion. The circle of light did increase, it now encompassed the area of a small carpet, everything becoming glittering and beautiful, shining in its own unique way. But then Lilian felt the edges of her efforts. The stones did not want this intrusion, the fire fought back and the edges of the pool of brilliance flickered and grew tired. Lilian felt a bead of sweat forming on her brow.
“That’s enough Lilian.” Mr Attorcop must have noticed her straining. “Bring your focus back to your breath and open your eyes.”
“Just a little more.” Lilian knew now that she could cover the whole beach if she was just given a bit more time.
“No, Lilian, that’s fine, we can do more tomorrow.” Lilian wanted to block out Mr Attorcop’s voice. But in the back of her mind she knew he was just being sensible. With some resignation she made one final effort, one more push in the hope of filling the beach with light. But the edges of her golden circle just kept flickering. Despite her effort, Lilian could not stretch the circle out any wider.
And then the flickering stopped. The lights at the edge of the circle went still and Lilian felt her heart skip a beat. It was as though it had missed a musical cue and was now trying to catch up. Then the lights started going out. The gold and silver glow in the sand and stone was receding but not because Lilian was choosing for it to do so. It was as though the beach was rejecting her and purging itself of her presence. The circle of light was getting smaller, slowly at first but then with increasing speed. Lilian could no longer hear her breath, she felt her heart quicken in panic as the sweat on her brow became cold. She tried to breathe in but her body was filling with something different, something other than the air it so desperately needed. It was a force, an energy. Lilian could feel it vibrating her fingers. With every inch the light retreated it was filling her up. Lilian tried to exert her will and slow it down but there was no stopping it. Faster and faster the lights went out and with each grain’s glow gone her heart and head became more swollen with their energy. It was as if she had breathed in deeply but more air was still being added. Lilian felt a pain behind her eyes, a bloating in her stomach. She didn’t like it. She wanted it to stop but she couldn’t find a way. She tried to speak but her tongue was numb and she had difficulty concentrating on the words. Then nearly all the lights were out. Lilian thought she caught a final glimpse of her first grain of sand blinking into darkness before she opened her eyes. Even though it had long burned down to embers, the brightness of the fire shocked her. She tried to breathe in but couldn’t. Her eyes darted around desperately seeking out Mr Attorcop but the light of the embers and the stars and moon all seemed too much. She did not doubt that if this had been the middle of the day, the sun would have blinded her immediately. Lilian brought her hands up to her chest and throat, hitting it and scratching and trying to communicate to Mr Attorcop that she could not breathe. Suddenly, she heard his voice, calm and calculated as ever, coming from beside her.
“No need to panic Lilian. Just stand up.” His tone reassured her and Lilian scrambled to her feet listening out for further instruction.
“Now face the water.” Lilian turned and almost shaded her eyes from the moon’s reflection on the still surface of the lake. Her heart was racing now as shock began to set in.
“Now do exactly as I say.” Mr Attorcop’s voice was raised slightly and Lilian realised he was some distance behind her. Was he leaving her? Was he running away? She felt herself reaching out behind her and opening her hand in a plea for comfort and safety. But she listened when he spoke again.
“I want you to imagine that this entire time you’ve been holding in a shout. Think about how loud and big that cry would be. Focus on what your body would do to release such a shout and when you’re ready, I want you to scream at the lake. Your biggest loudest scream.” Lilian’s mind raced to understand. She quickly began thinking about her breath and how filled with air and energy she felt. She tried as calmly as possible to imagine she had just breathed in a great volume of air and was now holding it in preparation to shout out. She tensed her stomach muscles, brought her hands up in front of her and gripped them into tight fists while leaning her head back. She was ready. In one sharp motion she brought her fists down and used the momentum to thrust her head forward. At the same time she let out a cry, a bellowing shout that after leaving her throat sounded nothing like she’d ever spoken before. It was her voice but it was deeper and stronger and filled with power. It sounded like the first part of a laugh, a ‘HA’ but not breathy or cheerful. After it left her mouth she felt better but still confused. She could have sworn she watched the water move. As if an invisible boulder rolled quickly across its surface, parting the water and making a shallow valley in the lake for just an instant before the water reformed and became choppy with the disturbance. After another second the surface of the lake became agitated. The small waves gave way to a vibration on the surface as if it was boiling. Lilian thought of a metal bowl filled with water being struck and the water dancing with the sound it made. She even thought she could hear a low tone. But by this point her vision was growing dark and she didn’t quite believe what she saw. She was surely part way into a dream as her knees buckled and she fell to the ground. The surface of the lake couldn’t vibrate, she thought as she closed her eyes, not across the entire body of water.
Lilian awoke the next day to the sound of bird song coming from the low brush beyond the shore. She opened her eyes slowly squinting in the bright sunlight. The first things she saw were the large cat-like eyes of her familiar furry friend Fritha. Lilian felt her hot breath moving her hair as she sniffed her face. Lilian tried to smile but as soon as she moved her head searing pain shot through her. Her mouth was dry and opening her eyes to any more than a squint caused her head to hurt even more. Lilian wanted nothing more than to pull her blanket closer, roll over and go back to sleep, but Fritha’s tongue simultaneously course and wet licked her cheek. Lilian groaned and took the hint. She gently pushed Fritha’s big head to one side and hefted herself up to a seated position. Her head pounded and she quickly brought her hand up to block out the dancing lights of the sun’s reflection on the water.
“Good morning.” Mr Attorcop was bending over a small pot suspended over the re-lit fire. A bitter smelling substance bubbled away inside it. Lilian mumbled a greeting and absent mindedly stroked Fritha’s purple fur.
“Let me guess. A heavy head, dry mouth and soreness behind the eyes.” Lilian nodded, not bothering to ask how he knew. Mr Attorcop’s face was stern as he decanted the liquid into a mug and handed it to Lilian. She took it and pushed Fritha’s curious head out of the way as she brought it up to her nose to smell it. Lilian almost wretched. The liquid was thick and smelled of eggs.
“Drink it.” Said Mr Attorcop, returning to the log he had been sitting on, “It will make you feel better.” Lilian couldn’t even muster the strength to protest. Months of knowing Mr Attorcop meant that Lilian knew that it wouldn’t have helped much anyway. She brought the cup slowly up to her lips, held her breath and drank. Thankfully, it tasted better than it smelt and Lilian was able to finish the mug in just a few large gulps. After sitting still and focusing on keeping the drink in her stomach for a few minutes, Lilian finally managed to speak.
“What’s wrong with me.” Mr Attorcop laughed.
“Ha, where do I start. You’re stubborn, overly ambitious and you’re terrible at obeying instructions from those who know better.”
“No.” Grimaced Lilian, “I mean… now.”
“You over exerted yourself. I told you to reign it in slowly but you of course tested my instructions and went beyond your capability. Remember what I said that first day I showed you the lunar essence? All power comes at a price. Last night I wanted you to go for a short walk, but instead you ran up a mountain. Now instead of practising again today you’re going to have to spend time recovering.” Mr Attorcop let out a deep sigh. “I suppose it was going to happen sooner or later. Best you find out in the early days. Pushing yourself like that takes its toll.” Lilian’s head was still pounding but she could now open her eyes fully, whatever Mr Attorcop had given her seemed to be working.
“How do I stop this from happening again.” Mr Attorcop stoked the fire and Fritha wandered over to the water to see if she could catch any fish.
“Last night, when you turned your focus to your own heart and body, what did it look like?” Lilian groggily explained the golden glow she saw and how she managed to put some into the grain of sand on her finger. Mr Attorcop nodded in understanding.
“So when the grain took on the quality of your golden light, did it do that because you forced it?” Lilian thought for a second,
“No.” She replied. “It was more like I convinced it, or I dunno, persuaded it.”
“And after it was persuaded it took on the light easily?” Lilian nodded. “And after I told you to stop, did you then persuade more rocks or did you force them to take on the light?” Lilian didn’t answer. She felt ashamed and knew that Mr Attorcop already knew the answer. The silence hung in the air a while, occasionally interrupted by Fritha splashing about in the lake.
“I don’t understand.” Said Lilian after some time, “If I wanted to fill every rock on this beach, that would take days.” Mr Attorcop furrowed his brow.
“Who said you had to fill every rock on this beach?” Lilian shrugged.
“No one. It’s just an example.”
“It’s all just practise Lilian.” Mr Attorcop stood up as he spoke, moving to get some food from his pack. “In a few years you might be able to fill the beach, but for now you should be content with a few grains of sand.” Suddenly, a thought struck Lilian.
“Once I know how to fill a few rocks with the light, what do I do then? How does that become useful?” Mr Attorcop smiled and bent down by the lake to fill his water skin.
“Where does this intelligence go when practising? Well, when filling things with our own essence they become aware of us and our own life force mixes with theirs. We give a bit of ourselves and when we’re ready we take back our essence, only now it’s mixed with a bit of what it had just filled.” Lilian thought about this.
“So when I took the light back, I got some rock and sand essence back with it?”
“Sort of. At least, that’s how it was described to me and it seems to make the most sense. We certainly feel more powerful when we bring our essence back into us. Last night you over exerted yourself and you took back more than you could handle. Like filling a water skin to the brim and then filling it some more. You’re paying for that this morning.” He made a show of lightly squeezing the water skin until some water bubbled out of the top. Lilian looked down at the rocks and dust around her. So much power from such still and dull things.
“Yes Lilian,” Said Mr Attorcop, following her gaze. “All of that from just a few rocks. Now you understand why we started here. Imagine doing that for the first time in a field of flowers or a town full of people?” He squeezed his water skin quickly and tightly and Lilian watched a jet of white water explode from the top. She shuddered. Mr Attorcop nodded gravely.
“Once we know how to give and take back safely we can convert the power from the natural world in to… well, that’s another lesson. I don’t want you getting ahead of yourself.”
For the next few hours the trio did very little. Mr Attorcop caught some fish and seasoned them with some herbs he picked from the shallow waters before cooking them over the fire. Fritha looked on expectantly, licking her lips every so often in anticipation. Lilian’s appetite slowly returned and although her head still ached, she enjoyed the fresh fish and bread. No one had said anything for quite some time. The water lapped at the stones, small birds flitted around the reeds and Lilian was thankful for the peace and quiet. She knew they would have to continue their journey this afternoon, but for now she closed her eyes and enjoyed the heat of the sun on her face. Fritha, her coat mirroring the dappled blue and white of the water, came to join Lilian and sat down beside her, leaning her heavy weight against Lilian’s left arm. Lilian breathed in a deep and pleasant breath. Then it came to her, the name she had been searching for in the back of her head all this time. They would no longer be referring to this process as ‘magic’, for just then the perfect term popped into her mind as if it had always been there but had been slightly obscured by the worries and cares of everyday life. With calm confidence, she spoke the name and for a second the world was still.
“Gloaming.”